In Pieces
by TheStupidSheep
Summary: Mikasa didn't understand why, but when she closed her eyes, she could feel her life was always a lie. She felt in pieces. Still, she smiled like always.


**In Pieces**

 _ **by TheStupidSheep**_

 **xx**

 _ **I don't own Shingeki No Kyojin**_

* * *

 _"He was hurt!" Screamed Sasha, her face reddened thanks to her tears and thanks to the war._

 _They had won. After all this time fighting, they had won._

 _Mikasa was hugging Eren as he went out his titan form, her smile so big and shining as those days before tragedy, those days before Reiner and Berthold broke Wall Maria. There was going to be peace now, they were supposed to be in piece now. They fought until there were no more fighters, no more soldiers, they fought until the floor was red and the sky was grey thanks to the never-ending explosions._

 _Until the last moments, Mikasa had put a huge endeavor, had showed the best of her braveness, being the unbreakable wall that everybody needed to see to feel better. As her friends, those she had fought and survived with during all this time, she'd been the great path to follow for those who wanted to change society, those who wanted justice._

 _She didn't do it because she thought herself strong. She never felt that way. She was honest with herself: she was an_ Ackerman. _Whatever thing she wanted to do, she could, not because she believed on herself, but because it was her nature, and she accepted that like accepting the sun in the morning or the moon at night. Her body asked for action, so action she gave to it. She didn't do it because she hoped. There wasn't such a thing as hope inside her, hope didn't grow in her like inside Eren, or Armin, or Jean. The hope inside her wasn't hers, though she let it come in and shine as she fought, because she knew no hope would mean no effort, no more will to fight._

 _She had to, and when she realized that, she discovered she understood her captain._

 _He'd understood long time ago, too. He had been waiting for her to approach him and leave behind all kind of sourness. Together, they became what people from Marley were afraid of. More than heroes, they became the villains, nightmares of children, horror of elders._

 _But they were together through all of it._

 _He was the one who helped her get over Eren leaving Paradis. He'd trained with her until she couldn't breathe, he'd made her clean windows and wash floors until she could see her own reflection in them, and then she'd made him learn how to dance so they could see both of their reflections as they moved around the old place following and inexistent rhythm._

 _That was the moment everything turned warmer, better. The first time she thought of happiness and Eren wasn't part of it._

 _Levi guided her to become a new lieutenant, and then a Captain just like him. He helped her when, out of curiosity and desperation for not knowing any news about Eren, she started to look for her parent's old house. He'd been there when she got into the abandoned house, seeing the same old things that were new and precious to her time ago. That same night, he helped her sleep, shooing bad dreams and horrible ideas trying to get to her tortured mind. He'd hugged her so hard, she thought Levi was her 3DMG, holding tight so she couldn't fall hard against the floor._

 _When the year to go to Marley finally arrived, he was the one that helped her to put all those belts and devices, the one that cut her hair, the one that told her: "When war's over, I'll open my fucking tea shop."_

 _"You promise?"_

 _"I do."_

 _And she was the one that told him: "From now on, you'll be the only one to cut my hair."_

 _"You promise?" He asked._

 _"I do."_

 _"You better survive, then." She whispered, and the way she said it made him look at her with telltale, hungry eyes._

 _She didn't say thank you when he finished, and both felt so embarrassed for being so honest that everything ended there. She wondered if it was bad wanting to kiss him, at least on his cheek. She felt it_ wrong, _and wrong stayed as she moved away from him._

 _"Please, please! You have to come!" Screamed Sasha as Connie approached her, holding her from behind. "He's dying!"_

He's dying. _It went through Mikasa's head like a bullet, and for the first time she didn't care about Eren. She jumped off the titan, listening to her brother as he followed her, and she ran so fast she didn't even notice the shocked soldiers around her as she pushed her way through them. She passed dozens and dozens of tents, all of them full of wounded soldiers and civilians, running and not being capable to listen to her own breathing. People screamed –out of joy, out of pain, out of horror- and blood sparkled here and there as nurses and doctors did their job. Sasha kept crying, Connie helping her to move to the huge building in which they had the worst injured ones, and Mikasa heard someone swearing._

 _It was her._

 _They went into the building, running through long passages and dodging gurneys, desperate nurses, tired doctors and more wounded people on the floor and against the doors. It was hot, really hot, and some bulbs weren't working, so darkness was it for them._

 _Mikasa wanted everything to stop. The horrid noise, the stinking smell, that ache in her stomach that was knowing him_ hurt. _She didn't want it; she didn't want truth. She preferred lies right now, like those dreams in which she was happy, those in which she woke up and there was no horror but peace and he was holding her, staring at her with blissful eyes._

 _Sasha stopped in front of a room, the only one with two soldiers in each side. The door was closed before she opened it in a quick motion, and suddenly Mikasa felt her world falling apart._

 _"Move…" She said, trying to get closer to the bed in which Levi Ackerman was resting, but Sasha didn't oblige._

 _"Sasha…" Said Connie, who grabbed her by her shoulders._

 _"Move!" Screamed Mikasa, and she pushed so hard she almost made Sasha fall._

 _"I'm sorry…" Said her friend. "I'm so sorry…"_

 _There was a horrible hole in the left side of his torso. Blood had made a little puddle on the bed, and there were three medics trying to keep him alive, but his opened eyes were becoming glassy, and she knew, by the way they slowly turned to her, there was no time left._

 _So she went closer, ignoring the medics' cautions, and felt like she was in that bed with him, dying just like him._

 _"You promised…" She said, her eyes watering. "You promised you were going to cut my hair, remember?"_

 _He just looked at her, his face finally showing the years he so effortlessly hid with his bored expression, and his lips, dry and pale, pronounced words for her. She bent a little, and he repeated them._

 _"I will always cut your hair."_

 _She almost screamed, almost shook him to understand what was going on. His body moved a little as the medics kept working on him, but the damage was so deep he didn't even feel pain anymore, she saw it clear in his face._

 _"How are you going to do that if you're not…" She couldn't breathe properly. "If you're not with me anymore!?"_

 _Levi smiled._

 _"Brat. I'll always be… with you…" He was an Ackerman. Stubborn and powerful, he raised a hand just to caress the edge of her jaw and touch her hair tips with his fingers. "Beautiful."_

 _This time, Mikasa screamed. She mounted on the bed, passing her hands around his head, and she cupped his face against her cheek, smelling his essence mixed with blood and powder._

 _"No!" She whispered in his ear. "Don't tell me that now. Don't…"_ Because it's too late.

 _"You were a good subordinate."_

 _She felt her heart tearing apart. Pieces of her went flying around, and soon she was just a ghost, suddenly her parents were dying again, and she was alone and no one like her parents or Eren or Armin or Levi were there for her anymore._

 _"Shit…" He said, and his eyelids started to tremble. "I guess it's too… late now… to say I'm sorry."_

 _She smiled, a sad smile, and she cupped his face with her hands. "Why are you sorry?"_

 _Levi smiled too, and even in his state, seeing him smile was beautiful and terrible at the same time._

 _"Because I didn't give you enough love when I could."_

 _His hand went tighter on her nape, and she understood his silent plea, coming closer to join her lips with his._

 _They were dry, and raspy, and salty, but she didn't care about that. She breathed on him like if that was the only way to keep him alive, her tears falling in his pale cheeks, her nose touching briefly his._

 _When Mikasa moved away, Levi was dead._

"NO!"

Mikasa woke up. Morning light went through the window, and her whole body was burning with heat. Her lungs were jammed, and she almost thought she was going to pass out because no air was coming through her nose.

She had been deprived crying.

When oxygen went through her nostrils again, Mikasa screamed, clenching her hair as she put her legs against her chest, squeezing hard until she was a ball in the bed.

" _No!"_ She kept saying, shaking her head, going back and forth, and she felt as if her whole life was wrong, but it wasn't.

Nothing was wrong.

It there was something wrong, was herself. Mikasa was wrong for letting a damn nightmare lead her to this situation. Once more, she couldn't remember anything, yet she felt she had lost it all.

Her cellphone rang on the bedside table, making her jump. She took some seconds to breath properly, wiping away the tears and forcing her limbs to stop shaking. She stared at the wall in front of her until she imagined doing a hole through it, and then she took her cellphone, turning off the alarm.

She took a bath, brushed her teeth, ate her breakfast. She read the newspaper, watched the news on her TV, checked her notifications on her cellphone. She looked at her reflection on the floor because somehow she preferred it instead of mirrors, and she tucked her short hair on her ear before she went out, closing the door of her huge, expensive penthouse behind.

A car was waiting for her at the entrance of the building, and she stared at it for a moment before she observed her surroundings.

People walked over the streets, going to unknown places, just like her. The traffic noise was annoying and as alive as the people creating it, and some pigeons were flying in the blue sky, making the combination odd through her eyes.

Mikasa didn't understand why, but when she closed her eyes, she could feel her life was always a lie.

"Ms. Ackerman?" Said her driver, coming to take her to the car.

She felt in pieces.

Still, she smiled like always.

* * *

 **I listened to In Pieces by Linkin Park while writing this. Thanks for reading!**

 **La que tals.**


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